Now, I'm not 100 on this, but I really think I should stay away from editing photos when I've a.) been up for 29 hours and b.) am dozing off on my keyboard.

:facepalm:

Why must I see something completely different than anyone else does when I look into my eyes?
It is not because I know myself or who I am, because I am still unsure. Maybe it is because I know of my past. I've seen different things than some have and have gone through different things as well. The pain I see in my eyes is strong, but the optimism I see is stronger. To dwell would mean you were right and therefore you would win, even though you never knew. I would know. So I must look positively on life in every situation for ever angle.

I do take two showers a day. They're longer than most showers taken by others and they're extremely hot. Sometimes it feels as though my flesh is melting off my body from the heat. But this is part of me. It is what I need to feel okay. Even with the showers I take, I still feel gross on the inside. It's been over nine years now. Maybe if you could see what you've done, how you've affected my life in such a negative way, you would have decided against it. Or maybe if you could feel what I felt and go through the nightmares I suffer from.

If you're still alive, I do pray for any person within your proximity. Know that I stayed not because I was afraid you. Not because you had any control over me mentally like you'd like to think you did. I stayed for my brother. He was nine and you made him a birthday cake. I remember. You were so nice to him. When he was home, you were the sweetest person. Most of the time he was at school or boy scouts and you really liked your brandy. I made a sacrifice for him, he'll never know it. Given a second chance in the same situation, I would do it again. I stayed because if I came back to Washington without my brother, I knew the wrath that would be taken on him for me leaving

So go ahead like you used to. Call me stupid and immature. At eleven years old, I made a bigger sacrifice for love than you've probably ever thought about making in your forty-something years. How masculine can you feel when it is a little girl's innocence and childhood you steal from her? In her house while her mother is out working two jobs to support you as well as her two kids. She never knew in case you were wondering. I couldn't find it in my heart to tell her.

I do want you to know, however, that I'm doing wonderful in life. I still am very jumpy at times and I run to escape my thoughts. But I'm not afraid of the dark. I'm not afraid to call 911 anymore. I'm going to college and making something good for my life. When I start my career, just you wait. Once day you'll see my name and know you didn't end my life. Maybe you'll feel remorse for how you were. Maybe not. But I will be just fine.

I feel like I haven't been able to take anything more than a sloppy snapshot in the last week or two. I don't know what exactly has been going on inside of my head, I wish I understood it. When I write, I do so because I am inspired every single day of my life. However, some days I find it near impossible to write anything that makes sense, even to myself. This usually doesn't happen with photography, but the last couple of weeks have had me slaphappy. I hope it fades soon. Maybe when I start up school again, in a more positive way, I'll become more of who I really am again.

---------------------------

The night is beckoning,
Calling me to the window
Once again
calling out my name
From the distant echoing of forever
A million diamond eyes
dazzling
In the night time darkness
Dancing and singing
Calling me to come out and play
amongst the stars
Traveling with my spirit
I float next to the brightest star
His name is George
And he is my friend
I travel into the night
Flying with my friends
We are the stars
Within an enchanting dream
We are the dreamers of tomorrow
In a peaceful starlit night

I had somebody challenge me the other day. It wasn't physically or academically, but rather it forced me to really think about myself to answer what may seem like a simple question.

Dakota asked me why I take pictures. She said to be more in-depth than something along the lines of "I enjoy it." I didn't give an answer right away, I had to think about it a lot. She was right. Why do I enjoy having my camera with me everywhere I go and even if something doesn't look extremely interesting to anybody else, why do I photograph it?

I came to a conclusion.

I photograph the world around me not just for sheer amusement or pleasure, but to let anyone who wishes to see the world through my eyes. In person, not every person notices the same things and sometimes certain things get overlooked. How one interprets my pictures is entirely up to them, but it gives them a chance to see what everybody can see, but the difference being how I see it personally. I'm not professional, I don't have a studio, and I never took any classes on photography. I don't know famous models and I don't travel to extravagant cities on a regular basis. I'm okay with all of this. If I was the only one to ever enjoy looking at my own art, then that is okay.

When people are gone, you just have the memories and the photos.

Inhale.
Think.
Don't panic, go back to sleep.
Clear your mind.
Don't faint.
Hold your tears.
Remember his face. Can I?
Smile at the memory of his warm hugs.
Old Spice.
Jealousy; anger.
Screaming inside.
Is it real?
Broken glass and blood.
Proposed pain.
Definitely real.
Puzzle pieces with broken connectors.
Cigarette smoke in huffs.
Misunderstandings.
Dramatic changes.
New beginnings and forgotten personalities.
Need to quit these.
Life is too short.
Encouraging hopefulness.
Clear blue and yellow skies.
Minimized night terrors.
3 months sober.
I can breathe again.
Remember to breathe.
Exhale.